Why Chris Martin sucks ass and Jackie Green Freaking Rules

I can’t for the life of me figure out why Coldplay are absolutely huge and Jackie Green is almost obscure. Over the summer, I got into several debates about how much I think Coldplay suck. These discussions were a lot of fun, but I really mean it – I mean, they suck. Initially, I thought it was because they were just so wussy, especially Chris Martin, but that’s not fair to great wussy talents out there, like Prince. The truth is, they’re not only wussy, they’re wussy and mediocre. They talk about how they want to be the biggest rock group in the world and they don’t have a single tune that’s great. They have a couple of ok tunes, but when you want to be the heir apparent to U2 and Pearl Jam and The Police and, saints preserve us, The Beatles, ok just ain’t gonna cut it. From the outside, it doesn’t look like their popularity is based on great art – it looks like it’s based on fashion. That’s not to say that every fashionable band sucks – often fashion and talent intersect, and wonderful things happen. It just hasn’t happened with Coldplay. To me, they make Oasis look good, and Oasis aren’t very good at all.

It’s a funny thing – people want there to be a great, talented, huge, popular rock band out there. And if there isn’t one, they will nominate the next best thing – enter Coldplay. Trust me when I say that when the Real Thing emerges – a band with style, talent, charisma, and songwriting ability – people will look back at the early 21st century and go, ‘we were into them?’

Jackie Green, on the other hand, is for real. How do I judge if an artist is for real? Gooseflesh. When I listen to Jackie Green, the hairs stand up on my arms. My hair follicles involuntarily applaud. Unlike Chris Martin, Jackie Green knows how to write a song. Unlike Chris Martin, Jackie Green knows how to deliver a song. Unlike Chris Martin, Jackie Green doesn’t constantly say in interviews that he wants to be the biggest act in the world. And unlike Chris Martin, Jackie Green will be remembered because he’s for real. He doesn’t sing songs about vague concepts that could really be about anything (..and we were all….yellow…). He sings about real stuff and real people with real hearts. He plays guitars, pianos, organs, and a bitchin harmonica. He's a Beatlemaniac who sometimes covers the entire 'Abbey Road' album in concert. Well.

Did I mention he’s only 23 years old?

I have no doubt that eventually talent will win out, and that Jackie will be huge, because a talent like his can only stay in shadow for so long. Pick up his new album, ‘Sweet Somewhere Bound’ and tell me I'm wrong. I dare you. I double dog dare you.